First Descents

Cancer Camp 2012-

First Descents

I have just returned from a week of kayaking in North Carolina, smack dab in the Great Smoky Mountains. Although I think I am still trying to process everything that happened there, waves of emotion have been filling my heart just about every minute since I have returned. I know I will not be able to really give the experience justification with simple words. This experience lies outside the realm of articulation, instead it is more of an energy that floats in and surrounds the soul. That might seem heavy, but it is true. I did write something while I was there, trying to help myself process the magnitude of it all so I’m going to start with that, and add anything else that might come to mind. 

What is First Descents to me…? It is bringing together a group of people who have experienced great loss in order to experience great gain. We have all lost, lost something. Whether it was hair, a leg, a semester or two of school, an ovary, a pair of breasts, a child, or memory, we have all had our own struggle. But here, none of that matters. Here, these same people live more than anyone else I have ever met. When I say live, I mean really live. We have all fought hard for life. We know what it feels like to have that dark threat of losing it. There is an understanding here, a knowledge that goes beyond expression. Through our experiences we have been brought together and because of our experiences we have been bonded together. We talk, we laugh, we grow, we challenge, and most importantly we PADDLE. As we submerge ourselves in the kayaks the river brings us together, levels the playing field, and makes us face our fears. On the river small strokes make big waves. And, even though I have only been here a SMALL amount of time, these people and this experience is making a BIG wave in my life.

And now, I am back home, sitting at the cancer center waiting to get my 30^th and last treatment. But, a part of me is still there. That part of me that is still there, has been re-filled by all of the people I have left behind. They are all now a part of me. They inspired me, they taught me, they accepted me, and they motivated me. As someone in our group said, “I will miss my new friends for life.”  As an example of the incredibleness of these people, this was the text message I awoke to this morning from one of my new dear friends…

            “Somewhere in KC, MO a lady sits in a cancer treatment center waiting for her one last chemo. You aren’t sitting there alone though, you aren’t sitting there weak or scared either. Today your blood pumps inspiration, hope, and victorious joy right along with that chemical warfare. The heavy doses of the good medicine running through you right now is probably doing more to help you than the chemo, but I guess we take our meds as they tell us to and chuckle at the irony of it all. Anyways just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you today. Way to go, you totally ROCK!”

She understands, she knows, and she made my day!

So, here is my plug for Frist Descents, aka cancer camp, if anyone out there reading this knows anyone with cancer between the ages of 18-39 PLEASE tell them about this organization. It is 100% free of charge, although it cost us a lot to be able to qualify. It cost us our health, but First Descents has the power to help us get it back.

Reward or Punishment? Incentive or Humiliation?

I’m going to write about something that has bothered me for a few years. I don’t mean to diss on my school by any means, because I really do love where I work. But, there is one thing that kills me. And, of course, it all began with “No Child Left Behind”.  You see in public education we are judged by numbers. It is all about numbers. We are judged by our federal test scores, by our graduation rates, by our number of Fs… And, we all hate it. Kids are either advanced or proficient OR basic or below basic; all based on a federal exam. If you are advanced or proficient, then YEAH, you are SMART! If you are basic or below basic, then BOOOO, you aren’t! As teachers we FIGHT and FIGHT against being judged by our test scores. Does it reflect on us? Are we the problem? I haven’t spoken to one teacher who agrees that it is fair to base our pay raises on the test scores of our students. We don’t want to be singled out or humiliated because all of our kids didn’t pass. Even worse, imagine if 80% of the teachers did well, and the 20% of the teachers who work with Special Ed, ELL, high risk and Free and Reduced kids didn’t make the cut. But, those teachers TRIED… Worked longer hours, stayed before and after school, took kids home and met with parents…. and they didn’t make it. Then, should they think less of themselves? So, now I’ll get to my point. At my school, if you score Advanced or Proficient on ALL of your Federal Test, then you are rewarded with a field trip to the movies. You get to leave school with 600 of your other SMARTY friends and see any movie you want at AMC, while the rest of us are left behind. Sitting at school are the kids who missed the cut off by ONE point, the kids who have all A’s but don’t test well, the kids with learning disabilities, the kids with harder lives, and most likely, the kids that never get anything.  Here we sit, here I sit, trying to assure them that it is OKAY! That LIFE is not based on test scores! I have given hugs, cleared away tears, reassured them that they are bright, wonderful people. Inside I am DYING! My heart stops beating every time a tear falls. The silence of the room SCREAMS when they receive their results. REALLY? REALLY PEOPLE, are we doing this to KIDS!? Teachers and unions would never allow this to happen to US (adults). It is the same thing as basing pay raises off of test scores, just the kid version. I know we don’t think about it, at least not this side of it. I know everyone who planned the movie and the trip had GOOD intentions. I know my dear friends are chaperoning right now, and I don’t blame them. What I don’t know, what I REALLY don’t know is… Are the adults thinking about what we are leaving behind? Because I am! I have a room full of kids right now; beautiful, SMART, ambitious kids, who just happen to speak English as their second or third language. Kids who pretend it doesn’t matter, but cry to me when we are alone.  Kids who texted me today, asking me if I wanted them to come to school. These same kids would face their humiliation for me, because they really do care. The funny thing, the irony of it all, we left hundreds of kids behind today because of NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND!!! So, my question is…WHY are we hurting kids, hurting their pride, hurting their self esteem? And all of this for what…. A movie?

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I have been so busy with end of the school year stuff, but I can see the end. It's bitter sweet though. Some of my all time favorite kids are graduating. I have had a lot of them since they were in 7th grade. I have enjoyed watching them grow into the people that they have become. It has been a long road, but a road well traveled. I am so proud of them. So proud of how they have matured, so proud of how they stood by when when I got sick, and so very proud of what they have accomplished this year...

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Take 2... as in blog # 2

Borrowed time… I’m not sure how the title will be taken, but it is true. I’m not trying to be anything but literal. I don’t say this with a gaping smile, or with fear in the shadows. I don’t say it looking for a discussion about life and death, nor do I say it with optimism or pessimism. I am literally saying, I am now living on borrowed time, like so many others out there… I survived a nasty cancerous tumor, lost both of my breasts, went through months and months of chemotherapy and Herceptin treatments, and here I stand… Feeling good, ready to get back to life, embracing all that I have, not what I lost. But, let’s be honest, without all of today’s modern medicine, I would not be here today. And with that said, this afternoon, I will attend a funeral. A family friend was not so lucky. Her cancer was discovered and days later she passed away. Today I will face what I tried so hard to fight against. And, I won. Why couldn’t she? I can’t answer that, nobody can. But I can be literal, and appreciative, and supportive, and knowledgeable about the fact that I am on borrowed time. From here on is a gift. Life is a gift.  And with that said, as I was driving to work this morning I wondered to myself about starting a new blog. I kind of miss traveling through my days looking for a good story. I kind of miss challenging myself to better my writing. I kind of miss reflecting the ways of the world via cyberspace. I FOR SURE needed a break for my last blog. Actually I needed a whole new blog. I am not going to focus on my illness, I am not going to harp on the idea of borrowed time, but I AM going to write. Just write. Whatever comes my way, whatever makes me think. And though the title of my blog might be a little uncomfortable for some (probably my family), if I’m going to do another blog, I might write about challenging and uncomfortable topics. Who knows really…?  All I do know is I kinda want to write. It might not be consistent, it might not be pretty, but it will be something.